Imagine you find out you are pregnant days before your birthday. You arent married… The man you have been dating, well its only been 3 months. The three people closest to you, gently advise you to get an abortion. Even, offering to drive you to the closest facility. Even though, you’ve basically decided you couldn’t live with yourself for going through with it.
Fast forward a couple of months – Your Dad is diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. In order to achieve the best possible life for you and your new family, you decide to move 989 miles away from what you know. You leave a job you love, your whole network of friends and family… temporarily unemployed.
Weeks before your child is born, your father dies. You have a newborn baby, you’re smack dab in the middle of the MidWest… trying to navigate getting to know your partner, all while being a new Mom.
If you havent figured it out by now, this is me. This is my story. This is my reality. They say moving, having a parent pass will eventually get easier. To be honest, it still feels like I am pulling myself through 4 feet of mud. Its been two full years. It hasn’t gotten easier. I wouldn’t wish all of those events on my worst enemy. It’s a lot of life, in a short time window. Nobody should lose a parent before 30.
Today is my beautiful girls second birthday. I made what I thought was an honest post on my personal Facebook, on my feelings of being a Mom. Along with a silly video, proudly displaying my goofy child for all the world to see…
“My mini weirdo, you adorable mismatched butterball… I don’t love being a Mama, but I sure as hell love YOU fiercely and the person you are forming into. Happy Birthday Tornado Banshee III. Here’s to another year of barefoot shenanigans!”
The line, “I don’t love being a Mama…” Struck a cord with some people. You know, I get it… partially. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I’ve been this way since I was a kid. Asking someone like me, to keep it in… is like asking a bird not to fly… ya know, if they could talk.
So, WordPress… Here I am. Writing my first emotional word vomit on my feelings of Motherhood.
The second you are pregnant, and the world is aware. All of the questions are about you. How are you feeling? Are you nauseous? Are you swollen? Are you hungry!? The second the baby comes… all of the concern is immediately about the baby. Nevermind the intense labor you went through, all of your swollen bloody bits, the fact that you are too scared to sleep… You become second. You take a back seat and thats how it is for the next 18 years… right?
Maybe, the majority of women are able to cope with this much more gracefully. My Mother for one and the women I’ve been raised around… You couldn’t possibly give them a better job or lifestyle. STAY AT HOME MOM!? Sign em the hell up. The go apeshit over babies and all the things that encompass being a Mom.
So what is wrong with me? Is there anything wrong with me? Why am I not fulfilled by just being a Mom. Why do I constantly dream and feel I mentally and emotionally NEED more? Why am I not like the rest of the women in my family?
This post isn’t solely for those Moms, this is for the few who understand that pain. This is for the ones who go back and forth with the good and the bad… The ones who can’t just Betty Crocker the shit out of everything with a damn pearly smile. Maybe, it’s also for the Moms who are that Mom. Maybe, this is so you can understand those struggling around you a little bit better.
Parenthood is a mind fuck. (PUT THAT ON A T SHIRT) It just simply is. There are SO many expectations of what your family, your spouse’s family, your friends, other parents etc. expect of you. Its a constant battle of, “Am I doing the right thing?” questioning all your choices. Just when you feel like you are figuring it out, BAM… it changes.
“Oh you breastfeed? Great. Just don’t do it past _____ months, years… or its weird!”
I’m pretty sure if you ask the above question to a group of people, you’ll get all different responses of it being ok… but only for x amount of time… or no, it’s just odd why wouldn’t you use formula!? Etc. Insert in any parenting topic, and get the same results.
Basically, if you aren’t doing it their way… or talking about Motherhood as if its rainbows and butterflies…. you are a terrible person. These people don’t see my day in and day out with my kid. They dont see HOW much I have given and continue to give my kid, to the point of loosing myself completely. They dont understand, maybe they never will.
Maybe, in a few years… when I learn HOW to balance being a Mom and myself, I will look at Motherhood differently. Currently? I hate it. I hate the pressure, I hate the expected gender roles, I hate the illusions people give off, I hate the judgement from those closest to me… Contradiction, yes. Why put myself out there if I don’t want judgement? It is for me. It is my therapy. Finding a select few people who PM me their stories and struggles… That is what gets me through. That currently is the glue holding my shit together. The ones who are brave enough to accept their truth and bare all, and guess what… grow from said pain.
My husband and I both grew up in households that are very limited emotion and communication wise. Often when we would talk about the types of parents we wanted to be, it was having that honest relationship with our child. Bringing her up where she can fully express herself and we will unconditionally love her irregardless. If we love, we love hard… If we are struggling, we will handle it in the open. Ever since I was pregnant with her, I wrote her letters. Events in the world, trips we took, important life lessons… etc. This open communication hasnt ALWAYS been the forefront of my relationships, until recent and is ideally what I want for my relationship with her.
I want her to be able to recognize her weakness and struggles and in the healthiest way possible, be able to navigate those feelings… without fear. So yes, I wrote I don’t love being a Mama. I loved who I was prior. I dont feel like being a Mom is this ultimate life goal, or the end goal…. much like marriage. Those are fantastic events, but they shouldnt define you. I am a selfish Mom, I need time to myself. I have to decompress often. I can’t carry the load myself and expect a lot out of my partner. We share this parenting gig together.
Currently, I have the majority of my feelings pointing to the fact that I don’t want another kid. The only reason I would be is to give her a sibling, but I feel like it would shatter me right now, at the stage I am in. So this is why, I stay at home with her. I nannied so many families prior and saw all the moments working parents would miss. I selfishly, didn’t want anyone to get those moments over me. If this is my only kid, I want to soak up every glorious moment with her possible, before she is in school.
I don’t need to love being a Mom, to love her. The Mom role for me has a lot of negative feelings towards it… however, being a parent and loving a child arent mutually exclusive to me. I love my baby with my entire heart. So much so, those close to me have seen me slowly die, in order to give her more. Those close to me have been very aware at how overly obsessive I am with her. She is my only family out here, she is the one I am with 24/7… What parent wouldn’t be hyper attached after tragedy? I give her literally all of me every day, I put off cleaning and work until she is mainly in bed, then I get those tasks done and barely have a few minutes to myself, if at all. I run myself into the ground for her. How could I not though? Have you seen her cheeks!?
I post about her life almost every other day on my social media, I used to photograph things very much an amateur, but I have always been obsessed with photos. Freezing time. Documenting funny things, sharing with the world my sarcastic views of being a wife and Mama, cause lesbehonest… there’s enough of the cheesy captions for everyone and then some. #InspirationalShit
This is my current battle, and I wear my emotions for everyone to see… good or bad. How do I maintain my happiness, while being a good Mom at the same time? I didn’t have a good role model with this myself, so I am currently figuring it out in the best way I can, so I can do better this go around. It may look like a hot mess, but in the pain… by acknowledging the pain, there is growth.
When I was a personal trainer, it was so easy for me to spit out to people, “You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.” The majority of my Motherhood experience is listening to my own words haunting me and figuring out how to get it all done. Thats who we are as women, we take it all on head first and multitask our way through it all. I personally drown the majority of the time, but I sure as hell will figure this out. Again, this isn’t for experienced Moms… or the cookie cutter Mamas… This is for the ones who need a tribe of honest women around them. I just can’t fake a smile, and simply say, “Being a Mom is the hardest yet most rewarding job ever!” (Cue a million eye rolls) Can we as women just stop generalizing Motherhood!?
Instead of it being an all-inclusive parenthood resort, which sounds cool initially, all the scheduled activities and menus of high-end food… eventually, that shit gets old and boring real fast, there’s a dress code if you want to eat inside?! I can’t possibly always look presentable, this isn’t realistic for everyday life yall. Why cant it be a wide open outdoorsy type of deal? You might prefer the forest by the river, growing your own food… Where I prefer the mountains and being away from the crazies, where Cindy just might like letting it all air out in the big friggin field. Everyone does their own thing, theres no damn schedules or expectations of how to be. You simply just be. Live and let live or whatever dumb Pinterest worthy quote you wanna throw in.
As much as I harbor bad feelings towards my Mom, I do recognize I now understand her better and her struggles. I see that a lot of my emotions and mental capacities are strikingly similar to hers. I look at my baby and see and understand that one day, she might be in my shoes as well. What would I do different to raise her so she doesn’t look that way towards me? But instead, has all the tools and emotional and mental strength to deal with marriage and motherhood like a boss.
Those close to me, know I am a word vomiter. Its how I process and deal with my shit. Holding it in… literally is painful and makes me sick in more ways than one. So here I end it, naked and vulnerable AF.